MATURE, YES! HARDEN, NEVER!
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God forgave you in Christ.”
Ephesians 4:31–32
I would like to start by telling a story:
“Little Johnny can hardly believe it. The first five years of his life were full of love, support, birthday parties, Christmas presents, pets, and cartoons. But today, after his third day in preschool, Bob, the troublemaker in the class, called him stupid.
After dinner, Johnny timidly asks his father, “Daddy, what does ‘stupid’ mean?” and shares his story. This leads to an impassioned speech from his father about city life and the cruel realities of preschool. He concludes: “Johnny, life is tough, and it will only get tougher. If you want to survive, don’t be soft!”
Three years later, Johnny comes home with a bloody nose after playing soccer with neighborhood boys. He explains to his father, “Jim punched me in the nose because he was mad that my team won. I thought he was my friend.” Once again, his father uses the opportunity to tell Johnny that getting hit is part of growing up and reminds him: “Johnny, I’ve told you once, and I’ll say it again — life is tough, and it will get tougher. If you want to survive, son, don’t be soft!”
In High School, Johnny observes older boys at school play-fighting, bumping into lockers, pretending not to feel pain. He sees them spit, smoke, curse, drink, and call girls ugly or boys who don’t fit in derogatory names. Johnny begins to understand what his father meant: life is tough, and it is getting tougher — he can’t be soft if he wants to survive.
When Johnny starts working, he realizes why the veterans call the market a jungle. He is shocked to discover that lying is standard procedure, exaggerating is the only way to self-promote and gain advantage, deception is necessary to gather information, and backstabbing is almost a professional amusement. Loyalty doesn’t exist; profit is the only reason for relationships, which remain superficial, and the paycheck is the only security at work.
Johnny shudders and concludes: life is tough and getting tougher. Only the strong survive. He starts to look suspiciously at the people around him: What is this person after? What’s their game? What are they planning? Johnny builds a fortress around his life and his heart. Life is tough — but Johnny has become even tougher.”
This story is recorded in the book The Fruit of the Spirit by Bill Hybels. As far as I know, it may not be a true story, but it could be. Nothing in it seems unrealistic. In fact, it could be my story. It could be your story. It could be our story, because Johnny’s experience reflects universal elements of human life: children curse, boys punch each other, teenagers bully, the job market is competitive and full of disappointments. Not to mention personal setbacks, broken trust, failed relationships, and disillusionments. Do you agree?
From the moment we become aware of our existence, we begin to experience disappointments, betrayals, grief, insults — these things are common in our world.
I remember when my daughter first experienced the harsh side of life. She had always been a very innocent and kind child, seeing beauty in everything and everyone. I had also contributed to this, making sure she only saw the good side of things. Until she entered elementary school, and, like Johnny, came home shocked and sad because a friend had called her ugly. She said, “Mom, can people really say such mean things?” She was ten. Since then, many experiences have changed her perspective and made her realize, “life is tough and it will get tougher”, as Johnny’s father warned. She matured. We mature the same way.
It’s part of life. Psychology even considers that suffering and disappointment are necessary for growth. Without them, we would remain innocent, naive, and immature.
But to me, the greatest challenge in life is: to mature, yes, but never harden.
What I mean is this: it’s natural, as we mature, to protect ourselves, withdraw, and retreat into a sort of fortress around our hearts. But we may not realize that this protection also becomes a prison. And just like Johnny, we start to distrust, love superficially, smile less… and even when nothing touches us, nothing affects us — we can become cynical, bitter, cold, unshakable, and inaccessible to love, compassion, and joy.
There’s a song by the respected Brazilian composer Guilherme Arantes that speaks about this (Meu Mundo é Nada Mais) “My World, Nothing More”:
When I was hurt
I saw everything change
From the truths that I knew
Only remnants remained that I didn’t forget
All that peace that I had
I who had everything
Today I am silent
I am changed
At midnight, in dim light
Thinking, I would give everything for a way to forget
I wanted so much
To be in the darkness of my room
At midnight, in dim light
Dreaming, I would give everything for my world
And nothing else
Do you see?
“When I was hurt, I saw everything change.” That change happens mainly inside us.
In school biology, we learned that humans are born, grow, mature, and die. Maturing is not the same as hardening. You can be an elderly person who is mature, light-hearted, smiling, and loving, despite disappointments.
Body language shows this. Did you know studies indicate that a child smiles about 400 times a day, an adult about 40, and an elderly person about 20?
“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3
How can we maintain this? The very verse we read provides the solution: by forgiving, being kind, and being loving. Jesus gave us the ultimate example: despite all betrayal, disappointment, and abandonment, in His last words He cried, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” He demonstrated love and compassion even while suffering.
When you face hardships, move forward without bitterness. Wear a mature smile, but never a hardened heart. Forgive and love indiscriminately, because love heals both others and yourself.
Dani Caldeira